Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML
Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML
Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML
Today, I've been babysitting a 4 month-old for two days. This has made a great impression on my cat, because now I can't sit down without him jumping up and licking my face until I pat his butt and rock him like the baby. FML
Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML
Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year-old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML
Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML
Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML
Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML
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Top comments
martin4770 0
#1 I wouldn't go back
GoddessDigi 12
..And this is the reason my husband may interact with our child, but not actually TEACH her anything. He'd do this, I know he would. FYL, she's too smart.
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Comments (122)
MakeupBurn 0
WTF, stupid little brat. Don't go back to them.
Darrus 0
Anyone else reminded of King of Queens??
null_fml 11
Nope, but I'm reminded of The Simpsons. Peanut shrimp, anyone?
HeaRTs_Girl 0
Haha, my thoughts exactly. Classic. :-P
souper_fml 0
We have an evil scientist in the making.
Sappheyes 0
Most peanut allergies aren't triggered by a small amount of skin contact. Even for those that are, just cover your skin and hands with towels and rags, maybe put a rag over your mouth if you don't want to breathe it in, and start wiping it up. She doesn't have an endless supply of peanut butter. As for the baseball bat, perhaps catch it with a towel? It doesn't seem like it would be too hard to wrest a baseball bat away from a little girl. F her Parents' Life for raising a little brat.
Blacksabbath211 9
2 dangerous if the kid flails around. personaly, I'd call her parents, then the cops
fridgebeh 0
yeah kids are evil
devynnleigh23 0
you fail. this might be the coolest kid out there. not saying you deserve it, just that you fail:)
HeaRTs_Girl 0
How is she cool? She sounds like a psycho little ******. I would have beaten the shit out of her if she pulled that shit with me.
NeonWar__ 0
this is so true. kids can be like that! FYL!
terror_twins 0
that child is crazy! haha
CallMeHush 1
That child is pure evil genius, do not nap at that house no matter how late the parents stay out. She will be silently waiting for you to let your guard down.
ibbert42 0
Hah! Awesome kid. Sucks though, sorry. =