By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01 - United States - Orlando

Covidiots

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The smell detective is on the case

Instadrama

By Margaret - 4/9/2020 02:02 - Canada - Toronto

Rollercoaster

Today, within the span of one day, the owner of the business I work at said I could write "Technical & Compliance Manager" on paperwork where I was the approver for engineered compliance of product regulatory records, but also that I was "basically just a secretary." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

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By void bowels() { cry(); } - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

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By Laserbeaver - United States - Milton

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

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By blarg - United States

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

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By whowhat - United States

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

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By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

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By xOdaatx - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

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By lame - United States

Today, for our 2-year anniversary, I bought my girlfriend a beautiful $400 necklace. She bought me a pink $5 shirt of Elton John riding a piano through space. FML

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By NinjaWafflesx - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

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By bloom - France

Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 20:02

"Based on your purchase history…"

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

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By username - United States - Elkhart

Today, my father told me to "go get a job". He has been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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By

Please do it

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By Snow - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

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By Anonymous

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

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By marriedtoacunt - United Kingdom - London

Today, our kids left for the weekend so that my wife and I could have some much-needed alone time. We've been fighting a lot recently and really need some time to have fun together. Now it turns out that she doesn't want to be around me because of the fighting. FML

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By JackAttack - United States

Today, my mom just handed me a book called "100 Ways To Motivate Yourself." FML

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By svsksosnns - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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By "Geric Brawner"

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

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By Marie Foster - United States

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

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By secret - United States

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

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By ugh - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By LadySteveMartin - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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By zzzgrady - United States

Damn

Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML

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By wetqueefa - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By leogs23 - 26/1/2021 10:59

On the rocks

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

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By Christin Deason

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

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By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

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By PineappleOfMyEye

Today, I work at a general store and a customer came in trying to bargain a set price of an item. The item? A 50 cent candy bar. He wanted it for 34 cents. This is not the first time he's done this. FML

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By nh-Amazon - United States - Plano

Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been weeks since I made a Facebook page to arrange something for my birthday as no one was able to attend last year on short notice. Everyone was game but now everyone is flaking. One friend even said, "I'll see who RSVPs and then decide." FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I found a website that lets you write an email to yourself from "the past". I used my boss's address, and wrote a long email about how much I hate him, signed from me. It worked, and he'll receive it in 6 months, after I move away. He's already received the confirmation email, though. FML

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By EmberLove - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By loon - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7964398 - Thursday 14 January 2021 17:42

Before you leave, make sure you shit in her MAGA hat.

By ViviMage | 38

#7964420 - Thursday 14 January 2021 20:29

Time to get a Covid test and a new roommate ASAP!

COMMENTS

By ghostinflames | 13

#7964330 - Thursday 14 January 2021 12:07

Good to know your roommate doesn't think it's serious, but that doesn't help your situation. I'm sure a family member could do you a favor on short notice with this.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7964398 - Thursday 14 January 2021 17:42

Before you leave, make sure you shit in her MAGA hat.

By ViviMage | 38

#7964420 - Thursday 14 January 2021 20:29

Time to get a Covid test and a new roommate ASAP!

By DonULFonso | 22

#7964439 - Thursday 14 January 2021 21:05

Not telling you WAS irresponsible!

Get a responsible NEW roommate.

By Suaria | 37

#7964493 - Friday 15 January 2021 0:31

This is why we're still in this because of irresponsible people like your roommate.