By Anonymous

"At least you've got a job" - Mr. Missingthepoint

Today, I drove an hour to work, did nothing for 8 hours, drove an hour back, and then studied for 4 hours. This has been happening for weeks. FML

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There's no helping some people

Munchausen by proxy

Don't do favors for strangers

By j - United States

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

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By well crap... - 21/6/2020 14:18

Running commentary

Today, I nervously went to the store to buy condoms for the first time. I felt like everything was going well, and checked out happily. As I was walking out, the cashier lady said to the woman next in line, "He thinks he's going to need condoms." They both looked at me and started laughing. FML

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By cereal stepper

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl of my dreams, the one person I've met in my life that I could see myself spending the rest of it with, told me she loves me. She then specifically added "...but not in that way, so we could never be together." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 23:01

Looking good

Today, I was at a grocery store buying ice cream after the tragedy of losing my grandma. When I got to the cash register, the cashier saw the sadness in my eyes and said, "It's OK, you'll find the one someday, one that can look at your inner beauty and not care about the rest." He thought I'd got broken up with. FML

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By rosie21030 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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By russianfail - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

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By deflower - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

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By Queen_Dread - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

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By Whatever479 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

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By Ugh - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

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By ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER - United States - East Greenbush

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

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By Muscle - Canada

Today, I flew home early from a two month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with slik-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

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By klyoung5 - United States

Today, while sitting next to the cute guy in my English class, I had to sneeze. I turned away from him and sneezed into my arm. My long hair got in the way and I accidentally shot a huge snot rocket into my hair. I spent the rest of the class trying to get it out without him noticing. FML

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By Confused - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

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By hail

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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By disgusted - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By DogStew

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

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By Monique - United States

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

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By polemania - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

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By skywayavenue - Canada

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

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By icanteven - United States - Florence

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

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By Chia - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I cancelled our date tonight. I cancelled because I had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By patrickRafael - Singapore

Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML

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By Pwnedofthedead - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

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By KittenTitz - 3/5/2020 20:00

Planned parenthood

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends: "Have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you tomorrow morning." His? FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By fuckparents - United States

Drama!

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

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By poor - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By Ohgodmother - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7843190 - Friday 13 September 2019 16:27

Getting paid to do nothing? Can I have your job?

By zoelog | 10

#7843192 - Friday 13 September 2019 16:32

you have a job. stop complaining.

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7843190 - Friday 13 September 2019 16:27

Getting paid to do nothing? Can I have your job?

Reply

rmg23667 | 14

#7843705 - Sunday 15 September 2019 15:58

it gets really boring very fast

By zoelog | 10

#7843192 - Friday 13 September 2019 16:32

you have a job. stop complaining.

Reply

Gladriele | 3

#7843927 - Monday 16 September 2019 11:47

Doing nothing at work is horrible....busy jobs are way better :) active body and brain is always a preference

Maybe you can do some study at work?

By Cindy Louise Packer | 3

#7843216 - Friday 13 September 2019 17:19

you must be a VISTA if......
study at work....then you won't need to study at home

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7843217 - Friday 13 September 2019 17:19

Are you not allowed to study while you're at work?

By eztime | 1

#7843232 - Friday 13 September 2019 17:51

I'm a roofer I wish I could go to work for 8hrs and do nothing instead I'm breaking my body and breathing in ever cancer causing dust from 50 yrs ago ur luck bro enjoy it

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7843250 - Friday 13 September 2019 19:00

Well, at least you have a job. I'm still jobless at 28 years old and hoping I get a job this month. Be thankful, man...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7843281 - Friday 13 September 2019 21:39

Do you also get your chicks for free?

Aw, that ain't woikin'!

Reply

Kristoffer | 35

#7843352 - Saturday 14 September 2019 5:22

We got to install microwave ovens.

Reply

0neiros | 13

#7844091 - Monday 16 September 2019 21:48

Custom kitchen delivery
we got to move these refrigerators
we got to move these color Tvs

By Ainarr | 29

#7843614 - Sunday 15 September 2019 3:26

Nobody who commented on this read the title of the FML