By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 05:02

#1 Dad of the day

Today, according to my husband, our son is at the difficult age where he can finally speak fluent English, but is still too childishly dumb to say anything interesting, intelligent or frankly worth listening to at all. There are times I wish I was a divorced single mum. FML

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Thanks, I'm cured!

The cheek of some people

Deep-seated resentment

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:18 - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By notimpressed - 26/4/2011 19:25 - United Kingdom

Today, a kid with severe Down's came into my workplace, as he does every day. He's has an obsession with me, sitting at a table, staring and taking photos of me all day. His parents have no problem with this, because they think it's a miracle that he can focus so much attention on me for so long. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 08:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML

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By wtfdreams - 17/5/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By Ama_544347571 - 24/5/2017 16:00 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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By wordmalfunction - 25/5/2009 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

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By "leahkasscar" - 11/5/2019 12:00

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - 18/4/2012 06:57 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours unloading boxes into my new apartment. After unloading the entire truck and making trips up and down two flights of stairs, I heard a knock on the door. Apparently the landlord gave me the key to the WRONG apartment. Mine is downstairs. FML

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By WaitedOut - 3/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 07:54 - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

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By ugh - 24/11/2014 12:40 - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By neighbour hell - 25/4/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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By yoyo22 - 5/12/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

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By arthur - 19/11/2011 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

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By Weightlosshereicome - 8/8/2016 10:06 - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 18:03 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

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By Enanimus - 25/9/2015 18:45 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 18:00

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By BilletsDoudous - 15/1/2015 06:51 - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

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By Familyreject - 2/2/2019 19:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

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By Whatthehell - 22/10/2017 05:00

Today, my husband's mistress purposely and dangerously induced her own labor so that she would have the baby on my birthday. Yes, I'm divorcing him. FML

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By scared for life - 29/1/2012 16:23 - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By HappyBirthday - 28/5/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By beurk - 6/2/2015 05:18 - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2016 19:46 - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 10:28 - United Kingdom

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

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By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By UglyApparently - 5/10/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML

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By crystalwho - 20/1/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

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By Chris - 1/1/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By lhazel - 17/9/2015 02:36 - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. He said he wanted to be a bartender, and single. FML

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By Goodyear - 20/1/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

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By Higgs - 2/6/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7914833 - Friday 19 June 2020 7:16

I'd have to agree that little kid talk is not very interesting or intelligent, but it's so unpredictable, it's often hilarious!!

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7914859 - Friday 19 June 2020 10:29

Sounds like your husband has your kid's speaking traits mixed up with his own....

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7914833 - Friday 19 June 2020 7:16

I'd have to agree that little kid talk is not very interesting or intelligent, but it's so unpredictable, it's often hilarious!!

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7914859 - Friday 19 June 2020 10:29

Sounds like your husband has your kid's speaking traits mixed up with his own....

By awildwhisper | 30

#7914861 - Friday 19 June 2020 10:39

Hmm I have to agree with the husband on this one. They're cute, but they're not smart.

By faifai_fml | 21

#7914969 - Friday 19 June 2020 19:49

I agree with the dad. Not every kid is immediately engrossing as soon as they begin to speak.

By CA91 | 8

#7915055 - Saturday 20 June 2020 3:59

I would become a divorced single mum :(

By dragonladiesfire | 16

#7915198 - Saturday 20 June 2020 19:21

Does he still listen or communicate with your child to help the child? Does he teach him things? or is he not doing anything to help and is just being an ass? If he's not doing anything to help, then that's on him too.

By cranjuice | 2

#7915900 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 9:17

Then you go out there and become the divorced single mom of your dreams!