The best jokes about life

Today, after class, I saw a phone and decided to return it to its owner. The owner showed up, pinned me against the wall, and cut my arm open with a switchblade, all for touching her phone. Not stealing it. Touching it. FML

By kitty - 20/5/2021 03:16

Today, I went on a family trip to Norfolk and while I was down there I met this cute guy but I was too shy to ask for his number and I ended up leaving without knowing his name either and I think of him all the time. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2021 05:07

Today, my mother swore at me, threatened to kill me, tried to disown me, hit my eye and said I shouldn't have been born multiple times. Why? Because I told her I wanted some privacy in my room as I was feeling sad, which she interpreted as me not wanting her around. I'm only 17. FML

By The only yet least favourite child - 17/5/2021 00:41 - India

Today i had sex with a guy who is in a 3 years relationship and i found out about this when i arrived home. i really thought i found the perfect guy for sex. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2021 05:14

Today, after a whole year of eating nothing but fruits and vegetables, I ate a slice of cake on my birthday. None of my clothes fit anymore. FML

By mea - 15/5/2021 04:27

Today, we're right now at the police station because the iPhone 12 I bought to my father as a present was stolen by some piece o' shit. Needless to say, I bought it three hours ago. FML

By Gone ballistic. - 13/5/2021 04:59

Today I was at Walmart with my friend and she gave me a wedgie infront of a bunch of people. FML.

By Carolyn - 12/5/2021 17:02 - United States

Today, I found out that the person who stole $125,000 from our grandmother won’t be charged with anything and they won’t tell us why. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 10:18 - United States - Lubbock

Today I realized. I'm a human calculator. What do I calculate? I calculate every single text before typing it, while typing it and for hours after typing it. Even the simplest text I feel will offend people. For no reason. FML

By Bhrugu - 11/5/2021 15:50 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I got hot oil in my eye while cooking bacon. I wear glasses. This is not the first time this has happened. FML

By raiden - 11/5/2021 08:52

Today, my mother called the police on my five year old daughter for drawing on a one dollar bill. FML

By lady kind - 11/5/2021 08:45

Today, I got a call from my son’s school. Apparently he decided it would be appropriate to say the words “Don’t say fuck” in the middle of class. For no reason. FML

By she - 11/5/2021 08:33

Today, at 1:30 in the morning, I was trying to charge my phone and it wouldn't charge, so I tried every charger in the house. When that didn't work, I turned my phone off and went to bed. Five minutes later, I got back up to try something else and realized I didn't have the power point switched on. FML

By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 11:44 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my ex tagged his new wife in a Mother’s Day post with their newborn son. We broke up 2 years ago because he “didn’t believe in marriage and having children.” FML

By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 00:56

Today, it was my little brother’s high school graduation. My parents got him a brand new car. My high school graduation was two years ago and my parents didn’t get me a brand new car because they “couldn’t afford to.” FML

By Frankos - 9/5/2021 17:09

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he could, he would change “pretty much everything” about my bone structure. His friends and my own mother all nodded in agreement. FML

By ugly skeleton - 7/5/2021 05:32

Today, my extended family expect me to send them Covid relief funds and vaccines, just because I'm British Indian with a job. FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 07:47 - United Kingdom

Today, there was nowhere in the house where I could eat without being stared at, so I decided to eat outside as having someone watch me eat is just as embarrassing as someone watching me go to the bathroom. Guess who decided to watch through the blinds. FML

By mir - 5/5/2021 00:10

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Why? Because he caught me putting on deodorant, on a cold day, when I’m not exercising or doing anything strenuous. I need it regardless. FML

By Annie - 4/5/2021 23:43

Today, it’s day five of excruciating arm pain from my covid vaccine, and the pain has only gotten worse. If I go for a week without lifting weights, my depression kicks in and I become suicidal. FML

By kerah - 4/5/2021 11:01

Today, I took a nice big smelly shit. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. No one bothered to tell me the water was out. I live in a house with 5 other people. FML

By leah - 4/5/2021 10:58

Today, I was eating an oatmeal cream pie. I offered one to my crush, saying, "Do you want a cream pie?" Her look of horror made me realize exactly what I'd said. FML

By Facepalm - 3/5/2021 02:08 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was punished for leaving the front door unlocked overnight. This was after I checked it no fewer than seven times to make sure it was locked. FML

By cyclopo - 3/5/2021 05:02

Today, I realized that the last two women I've tried to date have rejected me because they were both more interested in domestic abusers. I can't imagine how to rebound from THAT. FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 05:31

Today I realized my brain isn’t the only part of me that is forgetful and a liar. Or what would you call it when your bowels claim that the double dose of laxative you took last night never happened? FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 18:41 - Germany - Emden

Today, buying books is more expensive than buying six-packs of beer. FML

By Money - 30/4/2021 20:01

Today, my mother has a knack at repeating that "I'm a fat, filthy pig" right in my face. I'm 25, I weigh 137 lbs and my height is 5'9". FML

By Filthy pig - 30/4/2021 19:59

Today, I realized I’m just so miserable and unhappy at this waste of time job... I get minimum wage that barely pays any bills, and continuously treated like shit here. FML

By BellaBabii32 - 27/4/2021 21:44

Today, it’s been almost a years since I started to read FML and still don’t know what OP means. FML

By leogs23 - 27/4/2021 12:21