Today, my mom broke it off with her online boyfriend. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact he's in the military, knows our address, and apparently is threatening to kill himself if she doesn't take him back. She tells me not to worry cause we have guns in the house, but I still don't feel safe. FML
Today, my girlfriend has been playing SZA’s "Kill Bill" on repeat all day. I’m starting to get genuinely scared. FML
Today, I’ve been waiting for the girl I love to break up with her boyfriend so I could ask her out. It finally happened; however she said she wanted time to heal before she started getting involved with guys again. I respected that decision. There’s just one problem. I saw her in town, hand in hand with another man. FML
Today, I was arguing with my fiancée, having the same argument I had with my ex wife. “Why should I get off early for the kids?”, “Why can’t you do it?” Because I’d forfeit $200 per day. FML
Today, two days into our honeymoon, my mother-in-law turned up at our Spa hotel and pretended it was a huge coincidence. We are an 8-hour flight away, yet she tried to claim she had a Spa coupon about to expire, from another country. Nice try Linda you nosy, interfering bitch. FML
Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML
Today, I had my third threesome with my fiancée and our friend. We are moving in together and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop thinking about her lips against mine, or how she feels when we fuck. I wish I had met her first. FML
Today, I had to cancel a first date due to tornado weather. The guy texted me, saying never to contact him again, and then blocked me. This is the fourth time this exact scenario has happened to me. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to get her nails done, gave her 500 spending money, took her to eat, bought her son a TV, then bought her clothes. We get to her house, she steps inside then gets furious her son had made a mess and hadn't cleaned his room. She told me to take the TV back, which I did, then got reamed for doing so. FML
Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’m seriously considering hiring a professional if you catch my drift. I try to put myself out there but I’m so self-conscious about my mastectomy scars that the thought of anyone seeing me naked sends me into a heaving sobbing anxiety attack. FML
Today, two years after my toxic and self-centered ex-wife left me, I got remarried, but I feel like it broke my trust in people, which I used to. I now feel I don’t do enough for my present; I do better than most and have got more than average people, but I'm still too hurt and depressed to be normal. FML
Today, after an argument over my timekeeping, my boyfriend bet me that I was incapable of being ready to leave the house by 6:30 to get our theatre seats. It got to 6:35 and I was rushing to tie my shoes while doing my lipstick when I heard him put the car in gear and drive off without me. FML
Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML
Today, I posted a story on Instagram just so a certain someone who has been ghosting me could reply. He didn't. He never even opened my Instagram story. I should give up by now. FML
Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML
Today, I found out my new boyfriend owns, and regularly drives, a forty year-old, smog-spewing sports car. I asked him if he'd ever consider upgrading to electric for the sake of the environment. He said that we wouldn't work out, and that I should leave and lose his number. FML
Today, I'm now at the point in my marriage where I’ve stopped caring, so when my wife says, “I’m fine” I’m going to treat her like she’s fine. I’ll maybe post an update with details of how long she goes from, “I’m fine” to screaming at me for not playing along with her mind games anymore. FML
Today, I'm being forced to keep an eye on my cousin, who is getting married in the morning. He’s tried to marry his fiancé before and chickened out at the altar. For some reason she forgave him and now the bride's mother has made it my job to watch him like a hawk until after the "I Do-s", or else. FML
Today, slightly drunk from a head-frazzle of a night out from hell, I sent a text meant for my friend recounting the terrible date I'd just been on… to the date himself. He replied with, "I know, right?" FML
Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML
Today, my stepmother ruined my wedding by trying to get me to cover my tattoos with makeup. She spilled makeup on my dress, delayed the limo, talked through the ceremony about my tattoos looking horrible, and tried to cancel our photographer so there’d by no official photos of my horrible tattoos. FML
Today, I gathered the courage and wrote a love letter to put in the girl I like's school bag, at the end of classes. I felt anxious for a response. Her bag turned out to be her cousin's, and I became a joke in the classroom. FML
Today, my date walked out on me after I told him I was devout in my beliefs, including saving myself until marriage. Apparently, meeting me at Sunday services didn’t twig him to my faith, and he actually thought religious girls were all secret sluts like in the pornos. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML
Today, my latest date ended so badly that I was back home by 8 p.m., drunk on cheap wine, and screaming at myself in the mirror, “What is wrong with you?” FML
Today, me, my sister, and my boyfriend all live together. It’s time to renew the lease. They used this as an opportunity to let me know that they’ve fallen in love and I will not be on the new lease. Our parents died in a car accident last year and I have no other family who will take me in. My sister knows this. FML
Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML
Today, my wife, who has been unemployed for over two years, had a $415k job offer rescinded, all because the hiring manager thinks she might be a Karen (Yes, she is). My job contract ended last month, so we have no income. FML
Today, I figured out my girlfriend's mother has various nicknames for me. My girlfriend and her family are from Poland and speak on the phone in their native tongue, but they don’t know I’ve been learning the language either. I heard her call me “idiot”, “loser”, “moron” and various other “nicknames” multiple times. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of five months that it's time he stopped fighting for custody with his baby mama, and to start focusing more on my kids, whom he said he would take responsibility for. He responded by telling me to pack my things, saying we should all leave. FML
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