Today, I made the mistake of showing an interest as my boyfriend was playing the new Assassin's Creed. Now I like that he enjoys gaming, but I was not expecting to be given a crash course in Assassin's Creed lore and history all the way back to the first game. It lasted ages. FML
Today, I took my crush to see a movie. During the movie, I made a move and put my arm around her. As I reached over, my hand went straight into the popcorn tub, and I knocked it over. It spilled everywhere, all over her lap, all over me, and on the floor. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to clean up, while she awkwardly avoided eye contact. FML
Today, I went to a really hot chick I’ve known for years's house, because she said her soon to be ex-husband had gone on a business trip for work. While I was sitting in the house with a ton of cologne on and a fresh shave, the husband walked in, looked at me, and said, "What’s up?" Guess I'm not getting laid. FML
Today, I cook, clean, do laundry, wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, do grocery shopping, take the mental load for everything, take care of the kids, keep them engaged without screens, have a full-time job, do well at my job, and earn well - which I give to my husband fully. Only for him to ask me, "What do you even do here?" FML
Today, after my boyfriend broke things off saying he couldn't handle being in a relationship after the death of his brother, I found out that he's back on Tinder not even three weeks after the break up. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was getting him the “best surprise ever” for our anniversary. It turns out that we'd had the exact same idea, and bought each other the same pair of matching socks with each other's faces on them. I guess we both got the same damn ad in our Instagram feeds. FML
Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute barista by pretending to know a lot about coffee. I said, “I’ll take a macchiato, extra creamy.” He smiled and said, “That’s… not a thing.” I panicked and said, “Neither is my love life.” FML
Today, I was out of town on a work trip. I'd fought with my wife before leaving, and I felt bad, so I called her and poured my heart out, telling her how much I loved her. She sighed and said, "Okay, anyway…" and complained about bills and chores for ten minutes, then wouldn't say she loved me. FML
Today, I finally gathered the courage to confess my feelings to my best friend. As I was about to tell him, he interrupted me and said, “Oh hey, by the way, I met a guy and we’re going on our first date tonight.” I awkwardly said, “Congrats,” and then I went home to eat an entire pint of ice cream by myself. FML
Today, my dad is fighting for his life after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis and a life threatening surgery. I work full time and I visit him when I can, knowing we’re on borrowed time. I come home emotional exhausted and drained, only to be met with a nagging wife that says I’m not prioritizing her or the kids. FML
Today, I couldn’t wait to get home and get my boyfriend naked, which I did. Although, to be honest, popping every single pimple in the rash on his back was not the kind of foreplay I had had in mind. FML
Today, I saw the guy I met on Tinder and went out with, only to be told “I’m not ready for a relationship, let’s just be friends” out on a date kissing another girl. I interrupted the date to rip him a new one for lying to me, only to be escorted out by the restaurant manager. FML
Today, my husband sent me some flowers while he's away from town on a business trip. The flowers were beautiful enough that I almost forgot the screenshot his best friend had sent me, where my husband bragged that he'd "probably be drowning in dick when she gets the flowers." FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she got a hefty bonus at work and will pay off my credit card debt. I was gonna break up with her because I’d been working on resolving things with my ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend “accidentally” spilled a cup of hot tea on my lap at the dinner table. I had to get treated for second degree burns, because the skin on my lap was heavily saturated with the stuff. Apparently, he’s still mad at me for buying a male coworker a present for his birthday. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years is cheating on me. A friend had brought this to my attention. She was under the impression that we broke up because she’d seen stories of him and another woman. I found out he changed his story settings to hide the specific posts with that other woman from me only. FML
Today, as my boyfriend was climbing into bed, I asked him for a sandwich. He sighed irritably, so I reminded him that I'm a princess. He said, "I don't like monarchists" and went to sleep on the sofa. WTF? FML
Today, it's my wife's birthday. I'm known for being forgetful and she already thinks I don't care. I had some little things planned for today, but her sister messaged me telling me to remember her birthday before I even said happy birthday. Now my wife is crying and upset because once again, I "only act on prompt." FML
Today, my girlfriend and her best friend came home after a long night. They both hopped into the bed and were very insistent that I join them. I said I felt weird about it and slept on the couch. The next morning, my pissed off girlfriend said that they wanted a threesome but I killed the mood. Fuck, I'm an idiot. FML
Today, marks two years since me and my boyfriend refused to apply for jobs because we wanted to “pursue our dreams.” We are currently unemployed and frustrated, while our friends make six figures. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend of several months about his history with girls. Almost every single one was a girl he met while they were underage, then fucked as soon as they turned 18. When I flipped my shit, he looked at me like I was crazy. "They were all legal, what's the issue?" YOU'RE A FUCKING GROOMER, DUDE! FML
Today, the girl I used to be in love with texted me again after 5 months. She wanted to say that she remembers my birthday, which is next month. I hate that my heart still speeds up at the mention of her name, and I know it won't ever stop. She was my first crush since I came out, and my first heartbreak. I hate it. FML
Today, I spent a lot of effort making sure my roommate had a good birthday. We've hooked up in the past, and a mutual friend of ours is staying the night. Also someone I've made out with before. We were hanging out and the vibes were good, but when I initiated a cuddle puddle, they declined. Now they are hooking up without me. FML
Today, my wife helped herself to an energy drink at 7pm, because she "felt tired", and yelled at me when I told her not to. All night, all I heard was, "Babe, I can't sleep. I'm restless. Talk to me. Babe, you're sleeping and I feel lonely. Hey babe what are you thinking about? What's going through your head?" FML
Today, I asked my fiancee to drive me to the airport for a business trip in a few days. She ranted angrily that she already had plans, so I asked my mom to take me instead. Now she's pissed and saying, "Why don't you just go marry your mommy, since she does everything for you?" FML
Today, I tried to make it right by visiting my girl in the hospital after she had our baby. I fucked up by freaking out and dumping her since I didn’t feel ready, but now wanted to do the right thing. When I got there, another guy was kissing her and holding my baby. My best friend/cousin. FML
Today, it was a bad day. I had a crush on a classmate, but he switched schools a month ago. We started to develop a good relationship when it happened, and he came to our party on Friday, we even had a good conversation. But he visited school today, and I ignored him. I should've waved hi, but I didn't because I was busy. FML
Today, the guy I like shared a repost on his Instagram story that said, “No message is a message. Take the hint and move on.” He’d left my last message to him on “Seen” for 4 days now. FML
Today, I received a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven't seen for years. He tells me he has "deep" feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we "dated" because he told his parents I'm his girlfriend. FML
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