Today, my friends and I were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat. My picture looked the same before and after. FML

by Peter C. / 01/22/2011 at 12:53am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house and had to go to the bathroom. While peeing, I had a cough attack. The cough shook my body, making me pee all over my pants. My girlfriend's parents just arrived. FML

by GuillermoCJ / 01/22/2011 at 12:36am / Mexico (Baja California) / Health

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2011 at 12:29am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML

by marriageblows / 01/21/2011 at 9:18pm / United States (South Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

by alaskan1989 / 01/21/2011 at 8:27pm / United States (Alaska) / Intimacy

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

by computerguy / 01/21/2011 at 8:15pm / Canada (Alberta) / Geek

Today, when taking a group picture with my closest friends, a passing parent congratulated us on getting into the same university for next year. She's wrong. They're all going to Cambridge, except for me. I was rejected. FML

by reject / 01/21/2011 at 6:02pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2011 at 5:50pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

by dwhitehouse / 01/21/2011 at 4:50pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

by turnedintoinsomniac / 01/21/2011 at 2:46pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. FML

by IHateDumbExs / 01/21/2011 at 12:15pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

by chelseaface / 01/21/2011 at 10:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

by gummy bear / 01/21/2011 at 6:41am / Love