celinepink

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

There's a time and a place

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

Superfuzz Big Muff

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML

Switcheroo

Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

You tried…

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML

Rough

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

Curious cat

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

Brain fart

Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML