Who Askin'?, Yo' Bitness 27 years-old Single
Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML
Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML
Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML
Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML
Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML
Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML
Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML
Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML
Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML
Today, I was working on a project in my school's library when a group of teenagers came in and began talking and laughing and being loud. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML
Today, I was choking on a popcorn kernel at the movie theater. Nobody helped me. The workers in there told me to leave because I was "disrupting the audience". FML
Today, after telling my mom that I'll be going to Las Vegas with my dad for my 21st birthday, she started ranting about how my dad always wanted to abort me and that she was the only one who actually wanted me. FML
Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML
Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML
Today, after handing over the cash to buy my sister's car off her, she refused to sign any of the paperwork, and later put an ad on Craigslist selling the same car. I got scammed by my own sister. FML
Today, the guy I made cookies for, spent hours getting ready for, and drove 3 hours in traffic to see never actually wanted me to come. When I knocked on his door, he opened it, but immediately closed it in my face. He then texted me saying, "I met someone else." FML
Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML
Today, the main file and backups of the book I've been writing for 2 and a half years mysteriously vanished. It turned out my mum decided that me spending so much time in my room must mean I'm watching porn, and so she trashed everything. FML
Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML
Today, my friends decided to throw a going away party because I'm moving. It would have been great if I had actually been invited. FML
Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML
Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML
Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML
Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML
Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML
Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML
Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML
Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML
Today, I realized I'm pregnant by a man who won't even accept my Facebook friend request. FML
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