Miss Virginia, United States 28 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was at Walmart and I asked a guy working there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML
Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML
Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML
Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML
Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML
Today, my husband who asked for a divorce four days ago announced his engagement on Facebook. His new woman's profile picture is my engagement ring. FML
Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck, and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML
Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML
Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML
Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me and dumped me. Thirty minutes later he called asking for me back. When I asked why, he said "The other girl dumped me." FML
Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML
Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML
Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was, until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year-old brother. FML
Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML
Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML
Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML
Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML
Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML
Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. As we got to the ticket booth, a couple of girls queued behind us. My boyfriend graciously introduced me as his little sister, and invited the girls to join us. We've been together for two years. FML
Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, a businessman in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML
Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML
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