Ashaytes

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML

Self own

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her, "Get the fuck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

History buff

Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

Today, I withdrew €40 at the ATM to pay for dinner later tonight. It wasn't until I went to pay for it that I realized I'd taken the receipt, but left the cash in the ATM. FML

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

Butterfingers

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

Beyond FOMO

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

Asshats

Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

Wrecked

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

Bad timing

Today, I had dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

Today, I'm a 23 year-old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

Today, I found the family's pet hamster under my mattress, he's been missing for six months. FML