Kiziku_fml

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Kiziku_fml's favorite FMLs

By Anonymous - 16/02/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 435

You deserved it 2 565

By jesterinperil - 16/02/2015 22:38 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. I'd planned for a nice restaurant which is always packed, so I'd called for a reservation. When we got there, the hostess tried to turn us down because no one ever takes their mother out to dinner anymore, and that I was a fraud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 968

You deserved it 2 346

jesterinperil tells us more.

jesterinperil 28

Wednesday 25 February 2015 23:10

OP here. We eventually got into the restaurant with our original reservations, after contacting management. My mother and I tried to not let the hostess spoil the night. The rest of the staff was wonderful and I don't think we'll be seeing much more of that hostess for a long time.

Mommy's little helper

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 734

You deserved it 39 056

Crushed

By foreveralone - 17/02/2015 15:48 - United States - Sherman

Today, I was talking to my best friend's brother after we drunkenly hooked up last night. I've had a crush on him for over a year. He ended up interrupting himself and said, "Please don't tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to think we're dating or anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 316

You deserved it 6 429

By njh - 27/03/2015 13:29 - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 362

You deserved it 3 617

By soontobewidow - 28/03/2015 09:20 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 590

You deserved it 4 001

By LiLGeek - 12/01/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldn’t find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 669

You deserved it 9 228

By Sleeper_C3ll - 04/02/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 167

You deserved it 2 883

By EpicFail - 04/02/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 798

You deserved it 16 017

Night on the town

By klutz - 27/02/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I went out wearing the highest heels I had, but was nervous about falling because I'm such a klutz. I got through the night without any injuries, so I changed into the sneakers I had brought with me to walk home. I tripped right outside my house in my sneakers and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 554

You deserved it 6 082

By rebecca - 10/03/2009 21:31 - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 425

You deserved it 7 183

Oh wow, thanks!

By toast - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to leave, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said, "Have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 425

You deserved it 6 400

Love story

By theatreismylife - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says, "What's a pronoun?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 846

You deserved it 12 374

Our cross to bare

By sierra808 - 31/05/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on the beach when I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other, I smiled and waved, and as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 573

You deserved it 17 569

Rumbled

By apparentlyugly - 15/06/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself, so I said that I was fun, attractive, and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year-old sister walked up to me and screamed, "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 415

You deserved it 15 247

By blazer - 30/06/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 119

You deserved it 14 715

You snooze, you lose

By Homeless - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much that she made an offer on the house. We were one week away from making an offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 485

You deserved it 34 768

By zuper_duper - 29/08/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 138

You deserved it 52 803

By kennedygeeee - 08/09/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 315

You deserved it 2 651

By Udxero - 10/09/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 372

You deserved it 4 819

Udxero tells us more.

Udxero 6

Friday 11 September 2009 1:58

Okay, I wanted to clarify a few things for some people. During this event, I was in the living room she was in her bedroom. She was actually laying down for bed; this was close to 10:00AM she was supposed to be already sleeping. So I thought she was already asleep. As for the bucket in the potty chair, my wife decided since my daughter is a big girl we would place it in her room, so if she needed to go at night she could. A bad decision on our part I assure you. She removed the bucket herself before the post occurred. Again she was lying down and suppose to be asleep, I did not know she did this either. Needless to say the potty chair is no longer in their room.