KingBoy100

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

Smooth criminal

Today, I was walking down the street, when a little old lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

The Return of the Mullet

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

Help!

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

Today, after pouring my heart out to a beautiful girl on Facebook, and having her return the favor, she typed a final message that read, "That was my friend. Please f*ck off now. Thanks." FML

Joyful news!

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

Quote of the day

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° Celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend and tell him that the red bumps around my nipples was heat rash, rather than admit it was actually razor burn. FML

Today, I was at my job as a cashier when a man called me his "Grocery Slave." I was almost offended, but then I thought about my salary. I am a Grocery Slave. FML

Today, my 6-year-old nephew opened his Christmas gift. The first words out of his mouth were, "This is cheap." FML

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML