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Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 year-old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

Miss Popularity

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the six guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

Bad sex

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

Caught

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls, all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

Today, while working at a Subway store right next to a big hospital, there was a big line of people all getting their subs toasted. Without turning around, I asked the next person in line, "I'll bet you want yours extra toasted?" She was a burns victim from the hospital. FML

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when she began skipping ahead of me and out in to the street. I saw a car coming right at her so I tackled her to the ground to save her. Turns out the car was stopping and was never going to hit her, and my girlfriend doesn't appreciate concussions. FML

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

Strange flex, but OK

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over two hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

Mind melt

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair, and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

Today, I was delivering packages as usual for work. I was dropping off a large letter to a hot girl. Before I turned to leave the girl opened her mouth to say something. Instead, she just vomited all over me. Her letter was my first delivery of the day. I had to finish my job covered in puke. FML

Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML