Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML
Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML
Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML
Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML
Today, someone told me they liked my personality when I'm drunk. I asked, "What about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML
Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML
Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML
Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML
Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methamphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year-old father. FML
Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML
Today, I was at the doctor's office and the doctor asked me, "Have you been having any intimate relations?" and the first thing that I blurted out was, "You mean with other people?" FML
Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box, "Face this side towards crowd for the best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on its side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML
Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML
Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML
Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML
Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied, "The round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now I'm the asshole of the office. FML
Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business, we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said, "Good luck in your final year." Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML
Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML
Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML
Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML
Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML
Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML
Today, I decided to lay out topless in my fenced-in backyard. For about an hour, everything was going great until I sneezed and my creepy, middle-aged neighbor said "bless you". From my bushes. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. Out of natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML
Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML
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