Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML
Today, I got a round of applause. Too bad it was from my thighs as I went down the stairs. FML
Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML
Today, as I was waiting in line at the check out, some guy came up behind me, plucked a hair out of my head, and ran off with it. FML
Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML
Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML
Today, I'm celebrating New Year's with my cat. I made her a cake. FML
Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "Zoinks". FML
Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML
Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML
Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML
Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML
Today, I was at work at a supermarket straightening shelves in the food aisles. Just as I had finished and got ready to clock out, I heard a giant crash. A lady in a motor scooter knocked over an entire aisle of canned goods. She got up and walked away just fine, pretending nothing happened. FML
Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML
Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML
Today, my dog brought me a a dead rabbit. It so happened to be the rabbit a group of neighborhood kids were looking for after they lost it yesterday. I just had to hide a body for my dog. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend standing at the end of the bed staring at a large wet spot. Boy do I know how to pick 'em! FML
Today, my mother talked shit about me to the cat while I was in the room. FML
Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML
Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML
Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML
Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML
Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML
Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML
Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML
Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML
Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML
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