Miss Algonac, United States 30 years-old Single
Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML
Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML
Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML
Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML
Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML
Today, my first and only true date ended with the girl saying, "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian." FML
Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML
Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML
Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML
Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML
Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML
Today, my boss told me that we're having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added, "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML
Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML
Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML
Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML
Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML
Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said, "Yeah, horizontally." FML
Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML
Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML
Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked, "What's up lovebirds?" Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML
Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing "Never have I ever." My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, "Never have I ever had an orgasm." FML
Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML
Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML
Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML
Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML
Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML
Today, I told a girl that I liked her. She replied, "Don't." FML
Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML
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