Miss Algonac, United States 30 years-old Single
Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML
Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML
Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML
Today, I had an oral English exam to present in front of three teachers. Halfway through, I completely lost my voice. They failed me because they thought I was trying to play a prank. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML
Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light, she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are." FML
Today, my four year old son came into the restroom while I was applying my make-up, and asked me "Mommy, are you putting on make-up so that someone will love you?" FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML
Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML
Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML
Today, I took a pregnancy test because I'd missed a few periods, gained weight, and been moody. Turns out I'm just fat and moody. FML
Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML
Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody, and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned broodmare." FML
Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML
Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML
Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML
Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML
Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML
Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML
Today, I was in a toilet cubicle, when I overheard two of my friends at the sink talking about how ugly and skinny I was. FML
Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML
Today, I told my 10 year-old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML
Today, I went to get a scratch off lottery ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same one I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks. FML
Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML
Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML
Today, I put my paint brush into my cup of tea. FML
Today, all three of my meals consisted of two Hot Pockets. FML
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