Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML
Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML
Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML
Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML
Today, a fly landed on my face. Before I could even react, my brother "helpfully" punched it hard enough to both kill the fly and knock me out. FML
Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML
Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML
Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML
Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML
Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML
Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML
Today, I was screamed at by a lady for riding my bike too slowly in front of her car. I was in the bike lane, and so was she. FML
Today, as a recruiter, I had an interview with a promising candidate for an open position at my company. The interview was going well until the candidate interrupted me halfway through to take a selfie. FML
Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML
Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML
Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML
Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML
Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML
Today, my boss sent me some application forms to check over. After I spell-checked them and returned them, I found out they're going to be used to hire someone to replace me. FML
Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year-old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year-old woman, to tears. FML
Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML
Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML
Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML
Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML
Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML
Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML
Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat, and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML
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