Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML
Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML
Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said, "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML
Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML
Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML
Today, my mother showed me a picture of a dog in need of a home. Excitedly, I asked if we were getting it, having wanted one for a few months now. She said, 'No. I'm not even sure why I showed you." FML
Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML
Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML
Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML
Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML
Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML
Today, I needed the toilet in the night. Walking through my pitch black house barefoot, I felt something squish beneath my heel. Thinking it was a morsel of previously dropped food, I turned on the light to clean it up. My eyes met a twitching gecko body, with a flattened, exploded head. FML
Today, I woke up with intense pain and bruising. It turned out I'd suffered such a rare kind of wrist bone dislocation that the doctors aren't sure how to fix it. FML
Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML
Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML
Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML
Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML
Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML
Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered into my wife's ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud, because I was embarrassing her. FML
Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML
Today, I found out I'm on wage garnishment because my mother, who took out a student loan for me back in '05, didn't pay off the $2015 owed when she said she would. I got screwed over financially because of her. FML
Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML
Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML
Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML
Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML
Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML
Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee, but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed on my face. FML
Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML
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