Miss Elkview, USA 40 years-old In a relationship
Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML
Today, I found out I'm the only one in my family to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. FML
Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML
Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML
Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML
Today, my four year-old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "Oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. FML
Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML
Today, I found a pile of animal skeletons scattered in my backyard. It appears that last night, mother nature decided to rain so hard, that the graves of my childhood pets floated back up to the top, and covered half of my field. I now have to pick all of it up before my dog sees them. FML
Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML
Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML
Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML
Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML
Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML
Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML
Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML
Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML
Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML
Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML
Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML
Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML
Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML
Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML
Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me." FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML
Today, my class went to Berlin. At the subway station, our teacher told us to get on the next train. I was the first one to get on and the only one who didn't hear her saying: 'Wait, that's the wrong one!' I'm lost in a city I've never been before. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML
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