Miss Elkview, USA 40 years-old In a relationship
Today, I had my girlfriend over at my parents' for dinner. When we were done, my dad went around to collect all the dirty plates and stacked them on his arm. When he got to my girlfriend, the weight became too much and he and the plates fell on top of her. FML
Today, I was eating a meatball sub when a meatball fell out and rolled into my hair and all down my shirt. I couldn't find the missing meatball anywhere. I found it later, in my handbag. FML
Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML
Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML
Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML
Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML
Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML
Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML
Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML
Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML
Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML
Today, I accidentally shaved part of my eyebrow. It now looks like I'm trying to raise one without moving the other. FML
Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML
Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML
Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML
Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML
Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML
Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML
Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML
Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML
Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML
Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML
Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML
Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years-old. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML
Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML
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