Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML
Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML
Today, my boss told me that our old manager didn't do my promotion paperwork, so everyone in the department is getting a chance to interview for a job I've been doing for a month. They also expect me to keep doing it at my normal pay rate until they hire someone. FML
Today, my roommate gave us an hour's notice that she'd be babysitting her 4 youngest siblings in our apartment for an unspecified time. After hours of them running around, intruding, breaking things and one severely injuring himself on our furniture, it turns out they are staying the night. FML
Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML
Today, I spent a ridiculous amount of time working and reworking a design for a client. Eight hours and many tears later, she sends an email saying, "Let's go with the first design. I liked that one the most." FML
Today, I finished writing my Masters thesis. It's 25,000 words long. I showed it to my tutor, who told me it was completely wrong and that I have to start again from scratch. It's due in two weeks. FML
Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML
Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML
Today, I tried to jokingly hold the door shut so my friend, who I'd seen walking down the hall to our class, couldn't get in. It was funny, until my new teacher yelled "Open the damn door!" from the other side. FML
Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML
Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML
Today, I left my wallet on the train again. You'd think I'd be extra careful after losing it once. That's 3 times this year. FML
Today, whilst in a dressing room trying on some new clothes, I experienced the sheer terror of having someone fling a pair of dirty panties over the stall wall only to make off with some stolen ones, whilst you're still standing there in shock staring at another woman's dirty underwear. FML
Today, at my job of two months, I'd taken it upon myself to water the plants around the office every day since they all looked a little sad. My boss then asked why so many of the fake plants were getting mouldy. My co-workers had watched me water plastic plants for two months and nobody bothered to tell me. FML
Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML
Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML
Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML
Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML
Today, I got a bug bite on my boob. I scratched it so much it started bleeding so I put a bandaid on it. Turns out the band-aid had latex in it and I got an allergic reaction to it. The bug bite is still bleeding and the top half of my boob is swollen. FML
Today, I found out why my thesis supervisor made me change my whole project I was working on for the past 3 months. Apparently, he had another student doing the same thing and they published it today. FML
Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML
Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend the exact moment I fell in love with him: when we made eye contact in a crowd on our fifth date. He asked if I wanted to know what he was thinking at that moment. I then found out it was, "I really hope she can't smell that fart." FML
Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML
Today, my math teacher explained his concern for how "clipboard" should be pronounced similar to "cupboard." I thought he was crazy. I then later found myself saying it the new way to my mother. FML
Today, it seems like everyone in my family knew about my boyfriend's new engagement, all except me. FML
Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
