Mr Harbor City, United States 36 years-old
Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML
Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML
Today, I've been calling my pet snake "Mr. Snake" for two years now. I decided to look up the name, and boy do I regret it. It turns out Mr. Snake is a porn site. I've named my snake after porn and have been introducing him to family with that name for two years. FML
Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML
Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML
Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML
Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML
Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML
Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML
Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML
Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
Today, I almost got expelled for bringing a weapon to school. The "weapon"? A yellow travel-size hairbrush. FML
Today, my roommate's shopping addiction reached a whole new level. He bought a box of tampons just because they were 40% off. Yes, he. FML
Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML
Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML
Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML
Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML
Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML
Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML
Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML
Today, I looked at the revenue from my Etsy shop. After hours and hours of hard work, I was ecstatic to find that I made about $560 so far. That is, until I remembered that it all went to my mom's bank account and I paid all the fees out of my own pocket. And yes, she won't give it back. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML
Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML
Today, I was polishing a ring I made at a jewelry shop I intern at. The ring flicked off my fingers and smashed me in the eye. It only took a single trip to the emergency room to make me pretty sure I won't be getting the job. FML
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