Today, I overdrew my account and ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said, 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML
Today, I finally discovered the reason my front room smelt funny. My dog, thinking the Christmas tree was real, has been peeing on it for the past two weeks. FML
Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML
Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML
Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML
Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML
Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML
Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML
Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML
Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML
Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML
Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML
Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML
Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML
Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML
Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML
Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend that I loved her and that I never wanted us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, I found out that the "vines" I was cutting down this morning were actually poison oak. I can only see out of one eye, and I'm virtually unrecognizable due to the facial swelling. FML
Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML
Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML
Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML
Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML
Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML
Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML
Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML
Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML
Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently, my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML
Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML
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