Mr
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad, which is one of my roommate's names, when I came. Now her and her friends think I'm gay, and my roomate Brad moved out. FML
Today, a toddler's ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML
Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML
Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom, so I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then started yelling at me on Facebook, so I logged out of Facebook. She then started yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML
Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic so to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her. Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML
Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML
Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML
Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML
Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML
Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his Facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies, asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and while trying to make a dramatic exit, I slammed his car door, slipped on the ice and landed on my back in front of a large crowd of onlookers. FML
Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML
Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She said "Sure!". FML
Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML
Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML
Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML
Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 minutes early, only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat, sat down, and unpacked. FML
Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML
Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him, "About a dollar?" He said, "Wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML
Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML
Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML
Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML
Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said, "Yeah, horizontally." FML
Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML
Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
