Mr Here, USA 31 years-old Single
Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML
Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML
Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML
Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML
Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML
Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML
Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML
Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML
Today, my boss stopped mid-walk during a conversation about the humidity in our office, after I told him I didn't like the air conditioner on, because I'd rather not be cold and wet, and that I liked it warm and sticky. I knew then he was no longer thinking about the AC. FML
Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML
Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML
Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML
Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML
Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML
Today, while walking home from work, a young teenage girl ran up behind me and dumped a carton of milk on my head. She said, "The cow master baptizes you!" and then ran in the opposite direction, cackling madly. FML
Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML
Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML
Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him, "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML
Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML
Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML
Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML
Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML
Today, a customer threw his cup of coffee at me screaming that it wasn't hot enough. Well, maybe it wasn't hot enough for him, but it was sure hot enough to burn me. FML
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