Miss New Jersey, USA 29 years-old Single
Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML
Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML
Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML
Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML
Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML
Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML
Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML
Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML
Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML
Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML
Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML
Today, I argued with my dog for ten minutes because she refused to go outside and pee. FML
Today, my cousin invited me to an event that'll be happening on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML
Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML
Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML
Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML
Today, I was given a building key that students aren't supposed to have because they'll lose it. I told my coach I wouldn't lose the key. The same key disappeared not even 20 minutes later without a trace. I still can't find it, and it's been an hour. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to ask out a girl I've had a crush on for months now. She told me I was very cute and then walked off. I still don't have an answer. FML
Today, my date kept offering to drop me off back home because he thought I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance. I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance because he kept asking if I wanted to leave. FML
Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML
Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML
Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML
Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML
Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML
Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML
Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML
Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML
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