Animals: Today, I argued with my dog for ten minutes because she refused...

By ApplePie1994 - 11/11/2016 01:51 - Ireland - Mallow

Today, I argued with my dog for ten minutes because she refused to go outside and pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 407

You deserved it 1 715

ApplePie1994 tells us more.

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Saturday 12 November 2016 1:27

OP here. My sassy Jack Russell ass bitch's name is Honey. She's 13, blind and smells like ass. The older she gets, the cheekier she becomes. She's still awesome, though. I eventually won the battle. Yes, I rewarded her submission with rubs. I talk to her like she's a person. She's sick of my bullshit, tbh. I love my baba. I'll upload pictures of her on my profile.

Animals

Own it

Weird reason to leave, but OK

The bitch is back

By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 419

You deserved it 9 973

Sexy time

By Anonymous - 30/07/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 441

You deserved it 59 285

By Anonymous - 13/02/2018 01:30

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 631

You deserved it 651

Roommates from hell, part 4874

By Ohgodithurts - 19/10/2020 11:00

Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 133

By MickeyDManager - 03/08/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 592

You deserved it 39 110

By anonymous - 25/11/2014 03:25 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I was in a good mood for once and my professor looks at me and says, "I don't know what you ate for breakfast but you're really annoying today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 541

You deserved it 3 748

By Anyom - 27/07/2016 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine 3 weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealer ship to pick me up. She backed in to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 573

You deserved it 946

By miss tomato - 08/06/2012 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 441

You deserved it 5 644

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 335

You deserved it 4 904

Plans

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 02:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex asked me to take the kids for the day, which was odd as it's her weekend. My son let slip that she was getting ready for a surprise birthday party, but I wasn't supposed to know. As it's my birthday in 3 days, I was touched that she'd planned something. Turns out it's a surprise party for her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 353

By getslostinherownhouse - 14/04/2009 19:12 - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 073

You deserved it 60 870

By JPPUDLY - 11/12/2012 23:03 - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 211

You deserved it 2 355

Send message

By Tristan - 30/07/2020 02:01

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 311

By sweet2u22 - 27/02/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 902

You deserved it 7 511

By Noname - 16/03/2009 17:29 - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 208

You deserved it 179 545

Gamers don't rise up

By Anonymous - 17/11/2021 23:00 - United States

Today, a guy I like invited me to play video games. Naked. He asked me to show up naked too. I did. He was too busy in a video game raid to even notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 321

By Anonymous - 08/09/2010 18:09 - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 130

You deserved it 4 670

By Distraught - 01/03/2011 21:08 - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 002

You deserved it 6 630

New deal

By Anonymous - 05/01/2020 18:00

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 612

You deserved it 265

By mydaughterisdisturbed - 12/08/2013 00:58 - United States - Huntingburg

Today, my 14-year-old daughter convinced my son that when he was born, he was actually born as a girl, but we wanted a boy so bad we had his gender changed. Now he wants to change back to a girl because now he doesn't feel right as a boy. Last year, she got her other brother to cross dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 953

You deserved it 5 823

By Anonymous - 13/02/2016 01:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 205

You deserved it 1 485

By mobster - 26/07/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 267

You deserved it 19 630

By stinkerweeder - 05/02/2011 20:30 - United States

Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 724

You deserved it 3 014

By Anonymous - 13/08/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 217

You deserved it 55 951

By baseball25635 - 01/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 40 329

By wow, thanks - 18/08/2012 00:39 - United States - Seattle

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 848

You deserved it 2 351

By Herbiee - 18/08/2010 12:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 410

You deserved it 13 060

By Username - 23/06/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 306

You deserved it 2 576

Looking good

By Anonymous - 05/12/2020 23:01

Today, I was at a grocery store buying ice cream after the tragedy of losing my grandma. When I got to the cash register, the cashier saw the sadness in my eyes and said, "It's OK, you'll find the one someday, one that can look at your inner beauty and not care about the rest." He thought I'd got broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 130

By ktiskool - 01/08/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 345

You deserved it 4 130

By turnedoff - 18/06/2012 01:00 - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 459

You deserved it 5 825

By Anonymous - 21/09/2012 19:10 - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 000

You deserved it 4 755

Facebook political debates

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 01:01 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I found out that my father uses, "You eat poo for breakfast!" as a comeback during political arguments on Facebook. He’s 60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 91

By tinypenis - 04/06/2013 12:15 - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 784

You deserved it 71 705

By Embarassed - 23/11/2012 06:14 - United States - Kent

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 500

You deserved it 15 870

Couldn't have been that great

By Anonymous - 16/04/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 1 000

By benji - 01/11/2011 19:02 - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 367

You deserved it 38 485

Don't hate the playa…

By Dannikins - 05/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 82

By Justcan'twin - 09/10/2017 16:45

Today, at 5:30 on a Sunday, I noticed my tire had a bubble in it. I found a tire shop 15 minutes away that would be closing at 6pm and made it there in time, but the shop had closed early. I left to try and make it to the next one and had a blow out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 495

You deserved it 283

By robbedonCTA - 22/09/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 027

You deserved it 7 673

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

MikuandKaito 24

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 19:48

Did you win?

FalloutScrolls 25

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 19:52

What a bitch.

MikuandKaito 24

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 19:48

Did you win?

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Sunday 13 November 2016 0:39

it depends on how you look at it I guess :)

GlennGuagmire 20

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 19:50

Is he convinced now?

FalloutScrolls 25

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 19:52

What a bitch.

chirstinap325 21

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 20:24

Had you drafted out a thesis, body and conclusion? Were you able to persuade him/her? Or did they end the argument by going on the floor before your eyes?

trucker2 33

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 22:56

I'm sure the dog is still giving you the awkward silent treatment...

lscottygl 5

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 23:21

love the name

skyy417 17

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 23:40

Talk to the paw. -Dog

SteveDudleyUK 10

Send a private message

Friday 11 November 2016 23:56

If you can't control your little bitty dog please, for all our sakes, don't have children. As a teenager it would run wild...and probably pee on your lawn.

IorvethTheXolo 8

Send a private message

Saturday 12 November 2016 20:56

Bathroom issues are a little different than behavioral issues. They can be connected, sure, but dogs aren't perfect. In this case, the dog in question is 13 years old and is probably getting cranky in her old age, but even young dogs can have times where they just don't want to cooperate. They are living, thinking beings, not machines. My dogs are awesome, respectful, well behaved dogs. I expect them to be this way because they are large animals, but even they aren't perfect and can misbehave. Dogs, cats, horses, etc will ALL misbehave at some point because they are not machines. The day adult humans can go through life without ever misbehaving is the day I will expect animals to.

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Saturday 12 November 2016 21:09

haha, she's far from cranky, but she certainly has character :)

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Saturday 12 November 2016 1:27

AnonymousIdiot7 4

Send a private message

Sunday 20 November 2016 6:56

My dog does the same f**king thing

ohSNAPyall 26

Send a private message

Friday 25 November 2016 15:12

Give her a bath.

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Saturday 26 November 2016 3:23

We usually bathe her once a year in the summer. Does her for ages. This year, she got two baths in two weeks. There's only three other times this has happened in her thirteen years; before her hysterectomy of her infected womb (we didn't know what was going on at first), after she swallowed a knuckle off a lamb hock, and needed to be ... um... cleansed, and after she massacred a rat after my mother be lived she was too stupid to do it :P Given her bath track record, we reckon she stinks due to her old age. We love our smelly bitch.

ApplePie1994 27

Send a private message

Saturday 12 November 2016 1:40

Sometimes she barks at me when outside to show how unimpressed she is with being forced to piss in the cold. She often is woken from her beauty sleep so she can relieve herself, so she sits all confused and groggy and irritated for a few seconds. When she actually wants to pee on her own terms, all you need do is unlock the door and she goes to scratch at it. p.s. it was cold and damp. I wouldn't want to squat on such grass when I could piss on the tiles and laugh at the humans taking pity on my oldness whilst they mop it up.