DakotaAkira

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML

Today, I placed a Bible app next to an app I use for porn, in the hope that it will encourage me to watch less porn. I'm a girl. FML

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

Today, my 10-year-old son told my 5-year-old daughter that we're a ghost family, and told her to run through our glass door to see for herself. She believed it, ran straight into the door, and ended up having to be taken to hospital. FML

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

Today, I bought a cat. Somehow that cat is now stuck inside my antique piano. I have to break the piano to get her out. FML

**** off!

Today, I spent a large portion of the afternoon playing hide and seek with the door-to-door salesman who saw me sneak in the back door and won't stop knocking. No amount of hiding behind the couch will make him go away. FML

I'm not paid enough for this

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

Today, I realized I pay $160/month to get two texts a day. One from my bank telling me how much I have, one for my credit card telling me how much I owe. FML

Keeping up appearances

Today, I found out that the vacation my mom has been planning to "repair our relationship" was just an opportunity to change her Facebook profile picture. FML

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

Today, at work as a cashier, I was scanning cantaloupes. The man buying them then looked me straight in the eye and said, "Nice melons." FML

Confused

Today, I realized how bad my insomnia had got when I tried answering my water bottle when my alarm went off. FML

Turn off

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

Coming soon, to a place near you…

Today, my new colleagues took me up on my idea of a group night out. Perhaps they'll actually invite me along next time. FML

Today, we had to give a surprise speech in speech class on two of our best and closest friends. My first friend was my mom. I had to make up the other one. FML

Snek

Today, I had to call a plumber out to clear a blockage in our bathroom drainpipe. After coming back from work later in the day, and after a tearful confession from my wife, I found out that pipe wasn't the only one he snaked. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

Future Darwin Award

Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I visited my 78 year-old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

Eeeeeeeeeeek!

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brother's girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my parents when my dad asked my mom if she knew where he could find some double a batteries. She said to check my vibrator. He said he already did. FML

The nickname that sticks

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My teammates waved and said "BYE POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

Today, I was filling out paperwork with my new doctor. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, "What do you do?" I told her I normally did vaginal, but sometimes anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML