_stacia

Ouch

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

Monster Munch

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

TMI

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

Today, I finally decided to do regular biology rather than honors biology, thinking honors would be too hard. My first day in regular biology, my lab partner asked me whether a rock was alive or not. FML

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

Good

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said, "Good." FML

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

Public freakout

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

Today, during our wedding, my wife tried to dodge The Kiss. FML