Hoarebag

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

Drunken mess

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML

Thanks Dave, good one

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

Great input, dad

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

Red flag

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought, "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot?" Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

Asshats

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

Training day

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

Red scare

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

Today, my dad and I got into a fight over who gets the last corner piece of the brownies. I ended up with a black eye and and a sprained wrist. He ended up with the brownie and ran away laughing. FML

Mr Rogers

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML