Miss 34 years-old Single
Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML
Today, I told my 10 year-old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML
Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML
Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML
Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML
Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML
Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML
Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while." It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML
Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
Today, I called my mom for the first time in a few weeks, just to chat because I miss her. When she picked up, the first thing she said was, "Why are you calling? What's wrong? Do you have swine flu??" When I told her that I didn't, and I just wanted to chat, she hung up. FML
Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML
Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML
Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML
Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML
Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister, saying, "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML
Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML
Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML
Today, I kept restarting my internet, wondering why I wasn't receiving any messages from my friends. Then I realized they were all ignoring me. FML
Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML
Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML
Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML
Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML
Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML
Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML
Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML
Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
