Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML
Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML
Today, after planning 4 months in advance and spending almost $600 to cover everyone's tickets to the event center, all of my siblings decided to bail on my 30th birthday celebration because driving 3 hours is too much. FML
Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML
Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML
Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML
Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML
Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML
Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML
Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML
Today, I got a text from my cousin saying that he's gay. I was thrilled and told him that I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML
Today, I discovered the reason my 12-year-old brother has been anxious and afraid of cops for the last 6 months. My crazy mother convinced him that porn is illegal and comes with a death penalty. She did the same thing to me when I was his age. FML
Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML
Today, I came home to my mother, wife, sister, and certain family members cussing me out. My daughter and niece told them that I took them to visit and pray at The Church of Satan. Girls! It's The Church of Saint Anne! FML
Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML
Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me "re-Pete" because I have a bit of a stutter. FML
Today, I had to let my nosy landlord into my apartment to ensure I didn't have an unapproved guest over. Why? Because she overheard me sneeze, and then bless myself. FML
Today, I have to clear up after an orgy from last night. That would be bad enough, but I spent weeks arranging it, supplied the venue and everything else, and I was the only guy not to get laid. FML
Today, at my job as a second grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML
Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML
Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML
Today, based on the significant time I spend at work, my phone is automatically labeling my work destination as my home destination and my home destination as my workplace. FML
Today, while rushing to school, I hurriedly checked my reflection in a parked car’s window. After a few seconds of patting down my hair, the blacked out window of the car rolled down to reveal a family awkwardly watching. FML
Today, I had to reprimand an employee for her bad attitude and terrible work performance. She went to HR and said I harassed her for being gay. Guess who they believed. FML
Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years. FML
Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML
Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML
Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML
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