obrienology

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

Nice to know

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML

Expert level

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Force of habit

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

Today, I was proposed to, under the condition that I "get thin" first. FML

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said, "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank space: "Less often." FML

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

KEEP OUT

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML