Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML
Today, while I was casually sitting at a bar, a drunk biker with no teeth leaned over and tried to kiss me. I'm a sailor in the Navy, but I think I screamed like a little girl. FML
Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML
Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML
Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML
Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML
Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML
Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML
Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me on Facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from Facebook for iPhone." FML
Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I realized I've been driving for almost two years and still get excited when I park between the lines on my first try. FML
Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML
Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML
Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML
Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML
Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML
Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML
Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML
Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML
Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML
Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML
Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML
Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML
Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML
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