Mr 38 years-old In a relationship
Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our one year anniversary because "He knew I liked them." He has no idea why I am so upset. FML
Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML
Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML
Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML
Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. If that wasn't bad enough I had no spare in the car. By the time I got a ride to get a new tire, someone was nice enough to fix my air conditioning for me. They smashed out my window to break in. The doors were not locked. FML
Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML
Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year-old man, covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML
Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook account and changed our relationship status to single, just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML
Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML
Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML
Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML
Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML
Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML
Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML
Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML
Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML
Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML
Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML
Today, my friend and I told each other about our boyfriends. They're both nice, kind, beautiful, talented, funny, sweet and smart. They also both have the same name. And house. And job. And car. FML
Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML
Today, my 25 year-old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML
Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML
Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML
Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and 'Mexico City' spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she'd bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML
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