Oak Hill, United States 33 years-old
Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML
Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML
Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML
Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML
Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML
Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML
Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML
Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML
Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML
Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML
Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML
Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML
Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML
Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML
Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML
Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML
Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML
Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML
Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML
Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML
Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML
Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML
Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML
Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML
Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML
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