CheesyFan20

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML

Today, my former high school bully became my manager. FML

Today, I was prank called yet again by someone asking for a game that was released over 10 years ago. The store I work at only sells modern titles, and I angrily slammed the phone down. My boss saw and fired me on the spot. FML

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

Dear Raymond…

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

Unreasonable

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

You Sexty Thing

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

Quick quick

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

About last night…

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, added her new boyfriend to her friends, and changed her status to, "I'm so happy". FML

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

Big book of baby names

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my newborn brother "Titan". FML

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him, "About a dollar?" He said, "Wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML

Today, I logged onto Facebook to find out that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

No

Today, I told a girl that I liked her. She replied, "Don't." FML

Nice try

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings - No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right… NO INTEREST." FML

Surprise !

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They apparently thought it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML