CheesyFan20

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

Today, I got demoted at my job. Instead of working with patients, they want me to file. The thing is, I'm a volunteer; I work for them for free. FML

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

Today, I spent an hour writing 80 thank you cards to everyone who attended my graduationg party. After carefully personalizing each one and sealing them shut, I realized I did not mark the envelopes with names. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

Thanks

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report, I found out that instead of saying, "Thank you" I'd said, "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting a $150 bonus. FML

Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

Today, I spent my day alone while my parents and siblings were at school and work. Trying to be helpful, I cleaned out the fridge, did 5 loads of laundry, worked outside, fed the pets, and made dinner for the entire family. The evening was spent hearing complaints about how wrong I did everything. FML

Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

Nutso

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict, and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

Today, I realized that the only time I've ever been noticed by my classmates is when I brought cake for the potluck. FML

Hide and seek champion

Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML