Today, I did a "dine and dash" and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML
Today, the boy I've liked for the past 8 years asked me out and then dumped me when he realized that I was taller than he was. FML
Today, after reading a sign at the airport, my 6-year-old son thought it would be funny to yell, "Daddy's got a bomb!" Airport security then tackled me to the ground. Oh, and I missed my flight and my mother's birthday. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital because I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why was I crying? My favorite anime character died. FML
Today, it dawned on me that the most romantic thing my husband has done in the last three years, was a put a wedding ring on his xbox avatar. FML
Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was, "Nice weather?" FML
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML
Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML
Today, a girl I work with was talking to me in an Eeyore voice. I'm not sure if it's because she's sad and pathetic, or if she thinks I'm sad and pathetic. FML
Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML
Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML
Today, at the museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML
Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML
Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML
Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML
Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML
Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML
Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML
Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML
Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML
Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML
Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML
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