Miss
Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML
Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML
Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML
Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML
Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML
Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML
Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML
Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML
Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML
Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML
Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML
Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML
Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML
Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML
Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML
Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML
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