Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML
Today, I played games on Barbie.com and gave up after 10 minutes. They were hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML
Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML
Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML
Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML
Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML
Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML
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