Miss Santa Cruz, California 31 years-old
Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML
Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML
Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML
Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML
Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML
Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was, "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML
Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML
Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML
Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML
Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year-old on a scooter. FML
Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML
Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML
Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML
Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML
Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML
Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML
Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML
Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML
Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Facebook. I don't even have Facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML
Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML
Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML
Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML
Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML
Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML
Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML
Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
