Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML
Today, I was trying to finish an English assignment and I was not sure how to complete it, so I emailed my teacher to ask her for help. She told me to… flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML
Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML
Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML
Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML
Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend, in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted, "My girlfriend is so stupid, she can't even text the right number." FML
Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I was hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then fainted. FML
Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to "try my nuts." FML
Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML
Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend asked me out was because the fortune ball app on his iPod told him to. FML
Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML
Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML
Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML
Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML
Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML
Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML
Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML
Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML
Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML
Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML
Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML
Today, while talking to my girlfriend, the subject of Darth Vader came up. That's when she asked me, "Aren't Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker the same person?" I don't know what's worse, the fact that she asked me that, or the fact that I got upset over her lack of Star Wars knowledge. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML
Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML
Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML
Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML
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