asianbitch69

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

Eat to the beat

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

The Return of the Mullet

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

Logic

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

Today, I was looking through my roommate's room trying to find a DVD, when I stumbled upon a bundle of pictures of me showering and sleeping. FML

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

Today, I asked the girl I'm madly in love with out to dinner. When she asked me if I would pay, I jokingly said, "Well, that depends on how the date goes." She looked me up and down and said, "No thanks then." FML

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

Grooming

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

The strangeness of strangers

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

Riveting

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview, while it was taking place over the phone. FML

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

You did ask…

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English test. No deodorant for a week. They think they're so hilarious, they told all their friends, and now it's all over Facebook. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

Parked

Today, in a rush to squeeze out of a particularly tight parking spot, I made a hurried 12-point turn. Just to make sure I had enough room behind, I hopped out of my car. It was still in reverse. I managed to wreck my own car without even sitting in it. FML

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

Quick thinking

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

I won! I won!

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

Pussy palace

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML