onyxeverette

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

Caught

Today, I had to escort some dumbass teenager from Home Depot after I found him masturbating in one of the model washrooms. FML

WTF dude?

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Freakout

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

Keep it down

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

Today, I was looking through some old family pictures for a scrapbook I'm making. I found images of my dad passed out in his underwear, my great-grandpa having a drunken bath, and an unidentified moustachioed man sitting on the toilet, giving the photographer the finger. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we're a pair of gay men. I'm a woman. FML

Flow

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

Gullible

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

Owner of a lonely heart

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

Masterclass

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML