Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML
Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML
Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML
Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML
Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to wish my boyfriend a happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after I'd sent it, I realized that the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML
Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML
Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML
Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML
Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML
Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, where I loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy, and settled in to enjoy the movie. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML
Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied, "No", he said, "You mean you always look like that?" FML
Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML
Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML
Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML
Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML
Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML
Today, I sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of anti-perspirant. I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms. FML
Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML
Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML
Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML
Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML
Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML
Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML
Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him, "If you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was, "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML
Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
