Miss Akwesasne, United States 36 years-old
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor… and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML
Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in and there was a note that said, "Stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML
Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years, with whom I was hoping to have a future, to talk to him about it, all he said was, "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML
Today, I was on a friend's trampoline trying to convince my mom that trampolines are safe and we should get one. While telling her, I smashed my knee into my face. I jumped off bleeding, slipped, hit my head on the trampoline, and got knocked unconscious. FML
Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML
Today, I was watching TV on the couch. My mom then kicked me off so she could lie down. Exhausted, I asked if I could sit at the end. She said no. A minute later she called the dog to come sit with her. As I was sitting on the ground, my mom told me to move because, "the dog can't see the TV." FML
Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML
Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid, and my husband said, "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML
Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML
Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML
Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him, "Where did you go to the potty?" He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML
Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML
Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML
Today, I watched Paranormal Activity, which is known to be "the scariest film ever." After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML
Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML
Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML
Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML
Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied, "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML
Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML
Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML
Today, it was my birthday. I have been heavily hinting that I want an iPhone. I opened my present from my parents and found an iPhone box. Ecstatic, I quickly opened it. Apparently, my parents thought it would be funny to wrap my present, a $10 iTunes gift card, in the box my Dad's iPhone came in. FML
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